My boyfriend left me two weeks ago. Over email. This happened one day after he told me he carried me in his heart and he loved me. Over SMS.

I´m going to borrow Ronald Mc Donald´s shoes, they are obviously what I need this time around. And the red nose. And the paint. It all matches my mood - "ridiculously foolish meets child nightmare".

Jake (the ex) is always travelling. He is 35, tall and good looking. He is also extremely smart and does very well for himself. The thing is, he works in some high-security government job - so he can never get on the phone when he travels. I knew about this and have been putting up with it for about 6 months, which is when he accepted this job. The way he put it, it was a clear case of "job of his lifetime x love of his life". And me...well, I fought the world, but the world won.

On top of being quite boring, I will probably be killed if I go on and on about what Jake has been up to. Think world leaders, rock stars, sheiks, etc. Believe me, sounds much more interesting than it is.

So now here I am, 32 and single (again). Over the last 2 weeks I have had insomnia, anxiety attacks, a whole packet of chocolate-macadamia cookies, way too much drink and started smoking all over again. So this guy has broken my heart and made me fatter and less healthy - talk about a fuck-up.

By the way, I´m Diana, I live in Madrid and I hate Mc Donald´s.